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Intimacy Education

Ever wonder where we get our relationship skills and beliefs from? It concerns me that teenage girls are learning their relationship mindset from romance novels filled with the yearning of unrequited love. These novels torment the reader with desire—usually for someone the heroine can’t have, at least not for long. Or we are taught via movies/books (like the Twilight Series) that we must make the devastating choice in “the one” between a vampire and a werewolf—as if there is no other appropriate match out there. Or, like in Les Miserables, we are taught that one glance is sufficient for determining…

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What is Real Love?

  I recently read an article about the multitude of celebrity break ups that have happened. The article reported, “Couples were breaking up left and right – leaving many to wonder if love is even a real thing anymore.”  It then went on to site all the couples that had split. Since love certainly appears to be a “recyclable,” I decided to take a deeper look at love to see what is going on, and lo and behold I discovered the real problem. We don’t know what it is! We are all seeking it, giving it, taking it, wanting it,…

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Being a Lightening Rod

When I lived on Kauai, I rented a room in what turned out to be in a haunted house. It got so spooky and so many weird things happened that my roommates and I called in a Kahuna to clear and bless the house. After the Kahuna came and cleared it, she told us to “never think about the spirit in that house again, or you will invite it back.” This was clearly great advice, but very, very difficult to follow. (Just try NOT thinking about that ghost that has been haunting you!) The interesting thing is that I have…

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When Not to Have Sex…

My last blog’s topic was about the varied reason’s people have sex, which led a reader to ask me, “When is the right time to start a sexual relationship?” This is a difficult question to answer because there isn’t a set recipe of “right or wrong” timing. This decision depends entirely on each individual’s own values, interests, attractions, etc. It is actually easier to tell you when starting a sexual relationship is likely to lead you to difficult consequences, rather than when it is okay to go forward. It is unwise to start a sexual relationship when: It goes against…

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Why People Have Sex…and When They Should Reconsider

Why people have sex doesn’t seem like a mystery, but a study was done at the University of Texas, surveying people and asking that very question. We might assume that “It feels good” or “I wanted to show my love” or “I wanted to get pregnant” were among the top contenders of maybe five or so reasons, but we would be way off the mark! The study found that people answered that question with over 200 distinct reasons! Interestingly, “revenge,” “fear,” “loneliness,” “possession,” “control,” “I didn’t know how to say no,” “I was obligated,” or “I wanted to make up…

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Eight Things Not to Do After—or During—A Break Up

1) Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you want what you don’t really want. I remember when I was younger and mourning the loss of my boyfriend—the one whom I had broken up with for a multitude of good reasons. I was sobbing uncontrollably while comparing myself to the unknown entity of a woman he was now planning to marry. I was certain she must have some magic ingredient that I did not, after all, she got the guy. Of course, what I was neglecting to do as I compared myself to her was take any time at all to…

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The Deception of Anger in Love

Often when we get caught up in our anger, we think it is the only emotion we are feeling with, perhaps, a little hurt and fear mixed in. When we only “listen” to the voice of our anger, hurt and fear, we are often misguided about what we really want. Consequently, the words, thoughts and actions generated by these emotions almost always lead us away from what we want instead of towards it. These emotions are generated by our ego’s desire to protect us. The only problem is that the ego is not the part of us that is skilled…

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Starting Again—with You

Often when a couple with a long history together comes to me in an attempt to save their relationship, I find myself recommending that they ritualistically end the old relationship—even if they want to stay together. It is a bit akin to having the right ingredients for a meal but the wrong recipe. It is okay to say good-bye to that recipe but that doesn’t mean that you need to throw out the ingredients. When two people love each other, but haven’t been able to sustain a harmonious relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they need to find a different…

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The Slippery Slope of Trust

As a society, most of us would unanimously rank trust as an important part of relationships. We want to trust that the people we live with, work with, and love, are going to do everything in their power not to hurt us. Among the singles and couples I work with I often hear the question uttered, “How do I know I can trust him/her?” My simple answer is “You can’t know if you can trust them.” But I go on to explain, “Even more important is to know that trust solely placed in someone else, is misguided.” Trust in someone…

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